


Hit Call

by Naphorism



Series: The Extraterrestrial Art of Dicking Down [1]
Category: DCU, DCU (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Character(s), Alien Sex, Alien/Human Relationships, Anal Sex, Attempt at Humor, Awkward Sexual Situations, Barebacking, Bickering, Body Horror, Bottom Jason Todd, Established Relationship, Flirting, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Jason Todd is So Done, Mentioned Alfred Pennyworth, Mentioned Bruce Wayne, Multi, Pegging, Pet Names, Polyamory, Swearing, Tamaranean biology, Threesome, Threesome - F/M/M, Top Koriand'r, Weird Biology, just a bit, old married throuple, or should i say, these three bicker like an old married couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:28:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24313546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naphorism/pseuds/Naphorism
Summary: Tamaraneans are different from humans in the downstairs department, that's for damn sure. Just how different, though? Not different enough to stop Jason Todd! At least, he didn't think so...
Relationships: Koriand'r/Jason Todd, Roy Harper/Jason Todd, Roy Harper/Koriand'r, Roy Harper/Koriand'r/Jason Todd
Series: The Extraterrestrial Art of Dicking Down [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1799266
Comments: 13
Kudos: 190





	Hit Call

**Author's Note:**

> It's always irritated me that people in any fandom with humanoid aliens act like they must be totally human when they write porn, and apparently I subconsciously decided that I would be the one-man end of that trend despite being unwilling to write actual porn. didn't realise I was capable of this tho  
> This is the weirdest thing I've ever written, fair warning! But joyfire needed some proper alien Kori content, and I'm all for writing the fic you wanna see in the world

“Do not move a fucking muscle,” Jason growled at Kori as Roy tried to pull her away.

“He has a point, darling. We'll have to figure out how to separate eventually.” Kori stroked Jason’s hipbone like she thought it would help.

It did not. Jason was ready to fucking cry.

Dropping his head between his shoulders, his whole body tensed as though in preparation for a fight, Jason gripped the sheets beneath him like a lifeline. He hissed, “ _Let Kori fuck you_ , they said. _It’ll be fun_ , they said.”

“First off, you’re the one who begged her to fuck you. Second, you saying you _didn’t_ have fun?” Roy smirked. Jason couldn’t see it, but he knew Roy well enough to know that was what he was doing.

Jason lifted one shaky arm so that he could flip Roy the bird.

“I enjoyed it. It's upsetting that it has been less pleasant for you.” Kori combed her fingers through Jason’s sweaty hair, and he almost purred. “It had not occurred to me that we might not be compatible in this way, which was a selfish oversight on my part.”

“Nah, Jay’s just being a wimp.” Roy nudged Jason, who grunted. “He’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

“Find me some condoms that prevent whatever the fuck this is from happening and I’ll think about it,” Jason got out through gritted teeth. “And don’t fucking nudge me, you massive dickhead. I’ll tear your goddamn ass open so we match.”

Roy leaned down to lick a bead of sweat off of Jason’s neck. “Was that a promise or a threat?”

“Asshole. Won’t be funny when _you’re_ the one stuck on an alien cock.”

“What makes this so different from when Roy does it?” Kori sounded way too much curious and not enough apologetic for Jason’s tastes. “He does this frequently and we've never had this problem before.”

“Roy can start pulling out without causing me fucktons of pain, Kori, that’s what makes it fucking different.” Jason took a deep breath. He then asked the room at large, “Why the hell am I even in pain? It’s just a cock. It looked fucking normal.”

“Tamaraneans are of feline descent, right?” Roy asked. “There could be differences between primate and feline dicks, but I don’t know anything about that kind of shit.”

“Fuck that, Google it! I need to go on patrol in like an hour and a half,” Jason whined. Kori tried to pull out again, but abruptly stopped when Jason yelped and dropped to his elbows. “This is the worst fucking thing I’ve ever felt, and I’ve felt some freaky-ass shit.” He hissed out a breath through his teeth. “Any idea what’s hurting me when you try to pull out?”

Blinking down at Jason, Kori slowly said, “I'm not sure. I'm more familiar with the human standards for these things. The only difference I was aware of was that Tamaraneans are all capable of pregnancy _and_ impregnating others, not any specific differences between human and Tamaranean dicks. No one had expressed interest in making use of mine before you.”

Humming, Jason turned his neck at a near-painful angle to leer at Kori. “Other than whatever the fuck is going on right now, your cock is great. Everyone else is an idiot.”

“You’re just a cockslut,” Roy added idly, now concentrating on his phone.

Jason made a valiant attempt to punch Roy in the arm without moving his body at all. Roy, sitting on the edge of the bed on his phone, was too far away for Jason to reach, but he got his point across. “Just ‘cause you’re right doesn’t mean you get to talk shit.”

“But we love you for it, treasure.” Kori patted the top of Jason’s head condescendingly. She then leaned towards Roy as much as she could, being careful not to jostle Jason, and tried to peer at the phone. “Found anything?”

“Not yet,” Roy said distractedly. “Not real sure what to look up, and nothing I’ve tried has worked. I’ve got a few more ideas before we’re shit out of luck.”

“I’m gonna try to pull off,” Jason announced, a steely glint in his eyes. His resolve lasted all of a millisecond before he was cursing a blue streak and going stock still, his eyes tearing up. “Motherfucker, what the hell’s going on?”

“Hey, Jason? Koriand’r?” Roy was looking very pale, his phone clenched in one hand. “Bad news.”

Kori blinked at Roy. “You used our full names. That is foreboding.”

“Fucksake,” hissed Jason. “Spit it out, let’s get it over with.”

“The Wikipedia page on cats says,” Roy cleared his throat, “the female yowls as the male pulls out because a cat's penis has a band of a hundred and twenty to a hundred and fifty backward-pointing penile spines, which are about one millimetre long. Upon withdrawal, the spines rake the walls of —”

“Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up,” Jason hissed in a pained chant, his eyes squeezed shut and breathing laboured. “Shut the fuck up. Shut up. I’m gonna be fucking hospitalised ‘cause I let an alien bareback me, Jesus fuck. Shut up.”

“One millimetre?” Kori frowned. “That shouldn't significantly damage something as large as Jason.”

“Actually,” Jason said loudly, sarcasm evident, “proportional to your height, the spines should be, oh, like a centimetre long. So that’s, y’know. A hundred and fifty centimetre-long backward-pointing spikes _inside my body_.”

Tapping at his phone for a moment, Roy frowned at his screen. “Huh. He’s right. Point-eight-four centimetres. How’d you do that without a calculator and with a spiked dick in your ass?”

“I’m smarter than anyone gives me credit for,” Jason growled, his breathing still laboured.

“I really am sorry, dear star.” Kori leaned down to press a kiss to the back of Jason’s neck. “If I had known what would happen I would never have allowed us to go through with this.”

Jason sighed. “Don’t apologise when it ain’t your fault.”

“Oh cool!” Roy announced suddenly, holding his phone in front of Jason and smiling. “I’m looking at more Wikipedia pages to see if there’s anything helpful, and apparently penile spines contribute to increased sexual sensation and quicker orgasms. Sounds like fun, not gonna l—”

“This shit isn’t fun, Roy. You're not trying this, ever. Neither am I, ever again.” Jason glared at Roy. 

“Shame.” Kori nudged Jason’s chin playfully with her knuckles. “You seemed to enjoy yourself.”

“No offence princess, but even your huge cock isn’t worth spines stuck in my ass,” Jason said through gritted teeth.

“We'll find a way to make condoms that prevent this from happening. I could even have the spines removed,” Kori stated decisively. She turned to Roy. “I refuse to allow you to be the only one who gets Jason like this.”

“Jealous,” cackled Roy. “We could get a strap-on. You don’t mind getting pegged, do you Jay?”

Jason spluttered. “Well, no. But is now really the fuckin’ time to discuss this?”

“Yeah, not really. Should we call an ambulance?” Roy suggested.

“I would be giving away my human identity,” Kori pointed out. She added, “But I'm willing to make that sacrifice for you, Jason Todd,” in a soft voice.

“I don’t fucking want you to!” Jason exclaimed. “If we have to be wheeled out on a goddamn gurney like this I’ll end up on the news, and my siblings'll never let me hear the end of it.”

“Your siblings are gonna find out about it one way or another anyway,” Roy pointed out. “That gives me an idea, though. I’m gonna call Alfred.”

“No. Don’t.” Jason narrowed his eyes, straining to watch Roy move around the room. “If Alfred gets involved, Bruce gets involved, the entire fucking family gets involved. For the love of fuck, _do not_. I’ll never kiss you again. I’ll tie your hair in a double knot under your chin in your sleep. I’ll vomit on everything you hold dear. Don’t fucking do it, there'll be hell to pay, you—”

“Too bad I hold _you_ dear. I don’t mind though, won’t be my first time wiping your puke off you.” Roy had already shoved on sweatpants and walked over to the desk where Jason’s phone was charging. He entered the password with ease, and Jason cursed himself for letting Roy know what it was.

“Roy. Heart of hearts. Half-light of my life. Please, I will do _anything_ for you if you don’t hit call,” Jason pleaded, resting his elbows on the mattress with his hands together as though in prayer. “I’m begging you. If I could be on my knees any more than I already am, I would be.”

Kori, the traitor, was laughing gently at Jason’s pleas. “Your father probably has technology that could help us. It's the best course of action. More or less the _only_ course of action, since all a hospital could do is ensure someone is there to staunch the bleeding and sew you back up.”

Jason shuddered. “Fucking _dammit_. I hate my life.”

Roy hit call.

**Author's Note:**

> Can you tell I had no idea where to go with this until I remembered that in early comics Tamaraneans were descended from cats? I, like Roy, learned every not-so-fun fact in this from Wikipedia pages as research after remembering that, so don't take me too seriously  
> Thanks for reading this very bizarre creature of a story! Kudos and comments are always appreciated, although "why would you do this" is probably the most reasonable response to this one


End file.
